“GET IN THE KITCHEN”: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHILDREN INHERIT HATRED
By David Selves
IT’S BECOME DISTURBINGLY COMMON: A TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY BARKING AT A FEMALE TEACHER, REFUSING TO ENGAGE. A GIRL WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL HARASSED BY A GROUP OF PRETEENS QUOTING INTERNET “ALPHA MALES.” YOUNG BOYS—STILL IN PRIMARY SCHOOL—TELLING GIRLS TO “GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN.”
THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED POCKET OF MISCHIEF OR POOR PARENTING. IT’S A CULTURAL RELAPSE. SEXISM, MISOGYNY, RACISM, AND BIGOTRY ARE NOT NEW FORCES. BUT THEIR RESURGENCE IN YOUNGER GENERATIONS—CHILDREN WHO SHOULD BE GROWING UP IN THE MOST INCLUSIVE, ENLIGHTENED ERA IN HISTORY—IS A CANARY IN THE COAL MINE. SOMETHING FUNDAMENTAL IS BREAKING DOWN. AND IF WE DON'T ASK HARD QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY, WE MAY LOSE THE VERY SOCIAL PROGRESS WE ONCE TOOK FOR GRANTED.
THE FIFTIES AND NOW: HISTORY REPEATING? IN THE 1950S, MY FATHER REGULARLY SAID—WITHOUT SO MUCH AS AN EYEBROW RAISED IN DISSENT—THAT “WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE ANIMALS UNTIL TRAINED OTHERWISE.” IT WAS THE SORT OF FLIPPANT CRUELTY THAT PASSED FOR WISDOM IN A WORLD WHERE POWER AND CONTROL WERE VIRTUES, AND COMPASSION A LIABILITY. THANKFULLY, BY THE TIME I MARRIED IN THE 1970S, MY WIFE WAS THE ONE DECLARING THE KITCHEN HER OWN DOMAIN—A QUIET ACT OF FEMALE SOVEREIGNTY. THE WORLD SEEMED TO BE MOVING FORWARD.
AND YET HERE WE ARE, FIFTY YEARS LATER, AND THOSE OLD HATREDS ARE CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS. THEY’RE NO LONGER MUTTERED IN SMOKY DENS BUT SHOUTED FROM PLAYGROUNDS AND HASHTAGS. THE VITRIOL IS YOUNGER, SHARPER, AND MORE GLOBAL THAN EVER BEFORE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO RESPECT? WHY IS BAD INFLUENCE SO OFTEN STRONGER THAN GOOD?
THE ANSWER LIES PARTLY IN THE NATURE OF INFLUENCE ITSELF. POSITIVE INFLUENCE DEMANDS EFFORT, PATIENCE, AND TRUST. NEGATIVE INFLUENCE SEDUCES WITH SIMPLICITY. IT DOESN’T ASK FOR REFLECTION, ONLY REACTION. SOCIAL MEDIA, IN PARTICULAR, HAS WEAPONIZED THIS IMBALANCE. THE ALGORITHMS THAT DICTATE WHAT OUR CHILDREN SEE REWARD OUTRAGE, NOT WISDOM. THEY AMPLIFY THE LOUDEST VOICES—NOT THE WISEST.
ENTER FIGURES LIKE ANDREW TATE, WHO HAVE AMASSED CULT-LIKE FOLLOWINGS BY PACKAGING MISOGYNY, NARCISSISM, AND AGGRESSION AS EMPOWERMENT. FOR ADOLESCENT BOYS STRUGGLING WITH IDENTITY, THESE MESSAGES OFFER A PERVERSE CLARITY. WHERE SCHOOLS, FAMILIES, AND COMMUNITIES SPEAK IN UNCERTAIN TONES, THE TOXIC INFLUENCER SPEAKS WITH CONVICTION.
THE GRANGE HILL EFFECT: MIRROR OR BLUEPRINT? BRITISH TV’S GRANGE HILL ONCE CHALLENGED THE IMAGE OF THE PERFECT PUPIL. WAS IT REFLECTING SOCIETAL SHIFTS, OR SHAPING THEM? PERHAPS BOTH. WHEN MEDIA SHOWCASES REBELLIOUS OR BIGOTED BEHAVIOR AS NORMAL, IT DOESN’T JUST OBSERVE CULTURE—IT CODIFIES IT. A MINORITY BEHAVIOR, ONCE TELEVISED, CAN BECOME MAINSTREAM. WHAT WE PUT ON SCREEN DOESN'T JUST HOLD A MIRROR TO SOCIETY—IT MOLDS IT.
THIS IS THE PARADOX OF MEDIA: IT CAN BE USED TO RAISE AWARENESS OR TO NORMALIZE DYSFUNCTION. TODAY’S EQUIVALENTS OF GRANGE HILL ARE TIKTOK SKITS THAT RIDICULE TEACHERS, GLORIFY DOMINANCE, AND TRIVIALISE RACISM AND SEXISM—ALL UNDER THE GUISE OF ENTERTAINMENT.
MACMILLAN’S WARNING AND THE RED-DEAD DILEMMA HAROLD MACMILLAN ONCE SAID, “YOU’VE NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD.” WAS IT A TRIUMPH OR A CAUTIONARY TALE? PROSPERITY BREEDS COMPLACENCY. JUST AS CAMBRIDGE STUDENTS IN THE 1930S DECLARED THEY'D RATHER BE "RED THAN DEAD," TODAY’S YOUTH LIVE IN A TIME OF UNPRECEDENTED COMFORT AND DISTRACTION. BUT COMFORT WITHOUT PURPOSE BECOMES A VOID—AND THAT VOID IS BEING FILLED BY DIGITAL EXTREMISM. WE STOPPED TEACHING RESPECT AS A VIRTUE BECAUSE WE ASSUMED IT WAS ALREADY WON. BUT RESPECT, LIKE DEMOCRACY, NEEDS CONSTANT UPKEEP. IT REQUIRES THE UNCOMFORTABLE LABOUR OF DIALOGUE, OF TEACHING CHILDREN WHY DECENCY MATTERS. WE ABANDONED THAT EFFORT AT THE EXACT MOMENT THEIR WORLD BECAME FLOODED WITH MESSAGES UNDERMINING IT.
THE COST OF LOSING REASON I’VE WRITTEN ABOUT THE SOCIETAL DAMAGE CAUSED BY OUR LOSS OF THE ABILITY OR WILLINGNESS TO REASON—AND IT’S TRUE: WE HAVE TRADED THOUGHTFUL DISCOURSE FOR TRIBAL CERTAINTY. EVERYTHING IS A SIDE, A TEAM, AN ALGORITHMICALLY DEFINED IDENTITY. THE SPACE FOR CONVERSATION HAS SHRUNK.
REASON REQUIRES HUMILITY. AND HUMILITY DOESN’T GO VIRAL.
AS CHURCHILL ONCE SAID, “YOU NEED A WAR FROM TIME TO TIME TO VALUE PEACE.” BUT MUST WE DESCEND INTO VIOLENCE TO RELEARN RESPECT? MUST WE FALL APART TO COME BACK TOGETHER?
SO—HOW DO WE REBUILD? RESTORING RESPECT STARTS WITH HONESTY, NOT NOSTALGIA. WE MUST CONFRONT THE DIGITAL ENVIRONMENTS OUR CHILDREN ARE RAISED IN AND OFFER THEM COMPELLING ALTERNATIVES—NOT JUST RESTRICTIONS. WE NEED BETTER HEROES, STRONGER MENTORS, AND CULTURAL PROGRAMMING THAT UPLIFTS RATHER THAN CORRODES.
WE MUST TEACH CHILDREN HOW TO THINK CRITICALLY, HOW TO ARGUE WITHOUT HATING, HOW TO RESPECT AUTHORITY AND CHALLENGE INJUSTICE. NOT THROUGH LECTURES, BUT THROUGH EXAMPLE. WE MUST REFRAME MASCULINITY NOT AS DOMINANCE BUT AS INTEGRITY. FEMININITY NOT AS SERVITUDE BUT AS STRENGTH.
THE NEXT GENERATION IS NOT LOST. BUT THEY ARE WATCHING US. AND IF WE DON'T SHOW THEM THAT RESPECT, REASON, AND COMPASSION ARE STRONGER THAN HATE, SOMEONE ELSE WILL SHOW THEM THE OPPOSITE.
